Things have been slipping to the more disappointing of events as of late. Inside problems, outside problems. Pain hurt and what have yous. I don't know why I even try lately... but I guess with all the mayhem, I've finally decided within me that I'm NOT going to cave in... at least, not just yet.
Last Monday I met up with Alessa after the longest time. And painfully enough, I realized just how much strain there was between us - considering that we hardly... if not didn't, talk at all. There was laughter - yes. Thanks to Mai, Harle and Kelly. But the silence beside me at Pancake House - most especially from someone who I have considered as one of my kids...
Shit.
Things have been hell... I know. And sometimes I wonder if it's just my stubbornness that's contributing to the frustration of it all - but I have to make this a proper statement for everyone here to see.
Lessa, Hope, thePantheon and everyone else - especially Eden: I'm sorry, but you are dead to me.
I wish there was a way to explain what exactly I feel inside right now. But with things being the way they are - and I know that you're 'behaving' as HOpe would put it... but that is not the only concern that has been left unattended - but I cannot find it in myself right now to call you one of my own. I cannot call you one of my kids - despite the history and the time we have shared as good friends.
I just can't. My temper is reigned in. But I come off callous, even bored when I think to speak with you. And I cannot go on pretending that nothing is wrong any longer.
I'm sorry again - I really am. But that's the way things are.
~*~ )O( ~*~
Cancer. One thing that cannot be defined and cannot be easily classified. I guess JPRIZAL is finally sinking in, considering all the things that have happened.
GOD DAMN IT!Puneta! I am fucking tired of attitude problems. Especially from those whose fears sometimes do not hold ground.
[pauses and breathes]
I don't know na. I really don't. I guess the shit has finally hit the fan and I do NOT want to have to deal with anything more. I'm tired. YES. I'm slowly getting sick again due to being tired and any additional stress. YES.
And as much as I look forward to the next few weeks, I do not know anymore if I can just take whatever shit has been tossed my way. Especially from people I happen to care about and happen to love.
What is it some of you need from me? What is it I am supposed to give? What is it some of you want?
Do I never treat you as I should? Do I neglect needs? yes - I fall short - I am FUCKING HUMAN for cryin' bleeding out loud! If I have my proverbial moodswings - it HAPPENS. DEAL. But I TRY. Goddess help me and heaven fall - I try DAMN HARD to do my best by all of you.
ESPECIALLY YOU. I do not give my trust and my love and my loyalty and protection to you just because I feel like doing so. I do not stand by you, listen - try my best to get the troubles out simply because I am a friend. But because there is a bond that holds the two of us together - a bond that will never be broken unless we both decide to sever it.
I am tired as hell too. I end up feeling like shit sometimes. And God and Goddess know I pray constantly that I do not simply go out of my mind anytime soon because I myself have not had time to grieve. I haven't had time to sit down and take care of myself because I am driven to excel in several arenas - arenas that are ALL important to me.
I don't ask that you be beholden to me. I don't ask that you give me the same amount of care, attention and love that I give you. But one thing I DO ask is that whatever trust there is supposed to be between us both hold stronger now than ever.
Have I ever given YOU any reason to doubt my friendship? Have I ever given you any reason to question?
If I have then SO BE IT.
Why is it that I only find out last? When everything decidces to fall apart?
Sometimes I wonder why I even get out of bed anymore. Why I even choose to BOTHER.
Several of my troubles right now may seem trivial - but then, all the others last term did as well until peope finally let it sink in and they realized just how much pressure I was under - how much pressure I continue to be under.
I work fucking hard. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And sometimes, even that isn't enough.
But screw me and screw life, ne? It's not like I have any reason to quit. Not like I have any reason to stop and say: Aw, what the hell - ayoko na, I'll quit nalang.
Shit.
I think I've ranted enough. Now I plan to go to Dani's dorm and get my stuff so that I can go train hard at Alabang.
did i make you nervous?
did i ask for too much?
was i not deserving one second of your touch?
one of these days
i won't be afraid of staying with you
i hope and i pray
waiting to find a way back to you
'cause that's where i'm home - one of these days; michelle branch; hotel paper
I've found the newest personal soundtrack to add to my list. Flip's nicely allowed me to use and listen to his Michelle Branch cd for the moment, considering that he hasn't been using it for awhile now. And, lacking of listening material as I have been of late (especially since I've surprisingly become slightly picky ), this has been the newest find for me.
~*~ )O( ~*~
Today was probably, the slowest Wednesday - ever - in the history of the barkada.
Though not by any fault of ours...
Mai was absent since she's maneuvering the gauntlet which is enrollment over at UP Diliman. I can only hope that I'll get to see her sometime soon. I miss my sister. Gyeh. I'm not ashamed to admit that It's damned frustrating to find Wednesday half-empty. T_T
Well, at least I can say that my buddy was there today - being particularly sweet, considering that he'd been missing out on a lot since his schedule went completely whack on the group.
He and Kai and myself with the addition of Da (Faye) were hanging at Coffee Club while Harle was away at a seminar for Lit. Circle.
Note to self: I might want to avoid having to deal with anything to do with love interests for now... though I seem to help a lot more than most.
Another note to self: Getting enough sleep is definitely a good idea. I've been training four times a week now - not that I'm complaining... it's great exercise, and good experience. But I do have to admit that I'm feeling the strain now more than ever.
~*~ )O( ~*~
I find myself dreaming again... in the sense that I'm hung up on Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn. Harle lent me her copy and all I can say is this: I want one for Christmas. *sighs*
Something my cousin said on my birthday struck me: Unicorns are the epitome of magic. And to think she likened me to one.
Now if only miracles would happen, ne? I guess patience will have to start becoming my virtue... and I guess I'll have to learn to hold my breath lest I drown.
Melina Noelle Dauphin is 18 years of age born on the 18th of April 1985 at 9:25 am, on the cusp of Aries and Taurus.
She is a Wiccan by choice with Roman Catholic roots thanks to her parents and believes everything has a reason, and that
fate does not equal coincidence.
She is surrently studying at De La Salle University and will be taking up Behavioral Sciences come 1st term, 2003.
Her great loves include her music, dancing, writing, reading, hockey, Tolkien, Dragonlance, the Mighty Ducks (both animated
and the non-animated), and art in general.
She is known in various names such as Mel, Lina, Mia D (Devlin?), Noelle/Noey, Noei, Nyre, Lynne, Lillie, Noele,
Nibblet...all depending on what fandom/ mood/ life/ timeframe/ universe she's in. (MPD anyone?)
She wishes she were part Irish, is desperately learning how to speak Gaelic (and Cajun) and dreams of setting foot in New Orleans
in time for Mardi Gras, or on the shores of Ireland for Midsummer's Eve.
In the absence of a REAL lovelife, Mr.Bugholds the monopoly of my heart.^^
No Holds Barred Noelle "Ielle" Pico
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PHOTO UNAVAILABLE
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status: vocalist/songwriter
"I love Amy Lee from Evanescence and admire her style in singing. Her voice is heartbreaking
and it just gets to you. I'm not saying I want to be her, but
to be able to sing as good as she can, and as honest as she can... that's enough."
- Ielle on her singing idols.
tracks:
Foundation
Imperfection (Guinevere)
Give Me Freedom
Coffee and Nonesense
PERSONAL COMPOSITIONS:
Covenant Broken
One Last Storm
Sleep (Never Again)
One Step Forward (Two Steps Back)
Jump Into the Ocean
Romance
Resignation (instrumental)
Lost To Me (instrumental)
Martyr (NEW)
Pray With Me (NEW)
On Butterfly Wings my earlier attempts at songwriting
Gotta Let Go
No Regrets
Were You Even There
Scents of Lavender
Fork in the Road
ON MY BOOKSHELF: Book of Spells (II) - Marian Green Between Blinks - Jim Paredes The Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice Irish Jewels - Nora Roberts Three Sisters Island - Nora Roberts
Wishlist 2003 (Christmas ed.)
BOOKS The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle Titania's Book of Hours - Titania Hardie Enchanted - Titania Hardie In the Circle - Elen Hawke
>>Note to: Doggieniichan
CDs Celtic Emotions
Troika Goddess Faeries
Adeimus Songs of Sanctuary Dances of Time The Eternal Knot
i can't see tomorrow
(but with you it's okay)
the whole of the moon [celtic fayre]
one of these says [michelle branch]
breathe [michelle branch]
blame it on the weatherman [b*witched]
what can i do [the corrs]
a sorta fairytale [tori amos]
do what you have to do [sarah mclachlan]
unwell [matchbox20]
head over feet [alanis morissette]
colourblind [darius danesh]
why don't you & i [santana; alex band]
last goodbye [atomic kitten]
ielle's bracelet
swing swing [all american rejects]
teenaged dirtbag [wheatus]
going under [evanescence]
somewhere out there [our lady peace]
i think god can explain [splender]
tourniquet [evanescence]
system [qotd ost]
bring me to life [evanescence]
imaginary [evanescence]
taking over me [evanescence]
dancing in the dark
baby boy [beyonce feat. sean paul]
shake yer tailfeather [nelly feat p. diddy/murphy lee]
thoia thiong [r. kelly]
ignition [r. kelly]
smooth [santana feat. rob thomas]
soundtrack collection
final fantasy: the spirits within
lotr: the fellowship of the ring
lotr: the two towers
treasure planet
queen of the damned
vision of escaflowne
dinner serenade (042103)
harana [parokya ni edgar]
stay [lisa loeb]
small two of pieces [xenogears ost]
runaway [the corrs]
hands clean [alanis morissette]
my immortal [evanescence]
wherever you will go [the calling]
for you [the calling]
Template was designed by Melina Dauphin
and encoded by Maia D.
Special thanks to Meemee for providing Maia the
necessary tutorials for CSS.
The images on this blog are mine, taken from
my computer. The moving pentagram - I do not remember where I found, but if you made this, feel free to
email me so I can give you due credit.
The faeries by Brian Froud are scanned from my own Faerie Oracle deck. These are not my works of art, and I scanned
the images only for my personal use.
