Thursday, November 06, 2003
What's so important about your problems?
Cancer. One thing that cannot be defined and cannot be easily classified. I guess JPRIZAL is finally sinking in, considering all the things that have happened.
GOD DAMN IT! Puneta! I am fucking tired of attitude problems. Especially from those whose fears sometimes do not hold ground.
[pauses and breathes]
I don't know na. I really don't. I guess the shit has finally hit the fan and I do NOT want to have to deal with anything more. I'm tired. YES. I'm slowly getting sick again due to being tired and any additional stress. YES.
And as much as I look forward to the next few weeks, I do not know anymore if I can just take whatever shit has been tossed my way. Especially from people I happen to care about and happen to love.
What is it some of you need from me? What is it I am supposed to give? What is it some of you want?
Do I never treat you as I should? Do I neglect needs? yes - I fall short - I am FUCKING HUMAN for cryin' bleeding out loud! If I have my proverbial moodswings - it HAPPENS. DEAL. But I TRY. Goddess help me and heaven fall - I try DAMN HARD to do my best by all of you.
ESPECIALLY YOU. I do not give my trust and my love and my loyalty and protection to you just because I feel like doing so. I do not stand by you, listen - try my best to get the troubles out simply because I am a friend. But because there is a bond that holds the two of us together - a bond that will never be broken unless we both decide to sever it.
I am tired as hell too. I end up feeling like shit sometimes. And God and Goddess know I pray constantly that I do not simply go out of my mind anytime soon because I myself have not had time to grieve. I haven't had time to sit down and take care of myself because I am driven to excel in several arenas - arenas that are ALL important to me.
I don't ask that you be beholden to me. I don't ask that you give me the same amount of care, attention and love that I give you. But one thing I DO ask is that whatever trust there is supposed to be between us both hold stronger now than ever.
Have I ever given YOU any reason to doubt my friendship? Have I ever given you any reason to question?
If I have then SO BE IT.
Why is it that I only find out last? When everything decidces to fall apart?
Sometimes I wonder why I even get out of bed anymore. Why I even choose to BOTHER.
Several of my troubles right now may seem trivial - but then, all the others last term did as well until peope finally let it sink in and they realized just how much pressure I was under - how much pressure I continue to be under.
I work fucking hard. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And sometimes, even that isn't enough.
But screw me and screw life, ne? It's not like I have any reason to quit. Not like I have any reason to stop and say: Aw, what the hell - ayoko na, I'll quit nalang.
I think I've ranted enough. Now I plan to go to Dani's dorm and get my stuff so that I can go train hard at Alabang.
melina @ 11:15:00 PM )O(
did i make you nervous?
Today was probably, the slowest Wednesday - ever - in the history of the barkada.
Though not by any fault of ours...
Mai was absent since she's maneuvering the gauntlet which is enrollment over at UP Diliman. I can only hope that I'll get to see her sometime soon. I miss my sister. Gyeh. I'm not ashamed to admit that It's damned frustrating to find Wednesday half-empty. T_T
Well, at least I can say that my buddy was there today - being particularly sweet, considering that he'd been missing out on a lot since his schedule went completely whack on the group.
He and Kai and myself with the addition of Da (Faye) were hanging at Coffee Club while Harle was away at a seminar for Lit. Circle.
Note to self: I might want to avoid having to deal with anything to do with love interests for now... though I seem to help a lot more than most.
Another note to self: Getting enough sleep is definitely a good idea. I've been training four times a week now - not that I'm complaining... it's great exercise, and good experience. But I do have to admit that I'm feeling the strain now more than ever.
I find myself dreaming again... in the sense that I'm hung up on Peter S. Beagle's The Last Unicorn. Harle lent me her copy and all I can say is this: I want one for Christmas. *sighs*
Something my cousin said on my birthday struck me: Unicorns are the epitome of magic. And to think she likened me to one.
Now if only miracles would happen, ne? I guess patience will have to start becoming my virtue... and I guess I'll have to learn to hold my breath lest I drown.
melina @ 5:58:00 AM )O(
She is a Wiccan by choice with Roman Catholic roots thanks to her parents and believes everything has a reason, and that
fate does not equal coincidence.
Hover By series
Snapshots of Silver Guitar
Noelle "Ielle" Pico
- - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - -
"I love Amy Lee from Evanescence and admire her style in singing. Her voice is heartbreaking and it just gets to you. I'm not saying I want to be her, but to be able to sing as good as she can, and as honest as she can... that's enough."
- Ielle on her singing idols.
Give Me Freedom
Coffee and Nonesense
On Butterfly Wings
ON MY BOOKSHELF:
The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle
Titania's Book of Hours - Titania Hardie
Enchanted - Titania Hardie
In the Circle - Elen Hawke
>>Note to: Doggieniichan
Songs of Sanctuary
Dances of Time
The Eternal Knot
Leean Rimes - Twisted Angel
Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk
Evanescence - Fallen
Santana - Shaman
~any album as long as it's theirs
i can't see tomorrow
dancing in the dark
dinner serenade (042103)
of roses and rain
Template was designed by Melina Dauphin and encoded by Maia D. Special thanks to Meemee for providing Maia the necessary tutorials for CSS.
The faeries by Brian Froud are scanned from my own Faerie Oracle deck. These are not my works of art, and I scanned the images only for my personal use.