Thursday, September 04, 2003
Taking friendly advice offered by the Fae...
I wish there were a better, nicer, simpler way to avoid this, but I've consulted with two of the people I trust [for my sisters and brothers] and have decided that it is best that this issue be brought up. I apologize ahead for any broken pieces later, but I've personally had enough of certain things.
I wish I could say that for the past few... weeks? Months? I really don't know anymore - but I wish there was a way that I could say that things are and will be fine between the two of us.
But they're not. And I find that I don't even want to think about tomorrow, or the day after, or the days even after that on whether or not things will get better. Because frankly, I don't want to deal with your currently decaying sense of respect for those who are more senior than you, and your far decaying sense of responsibility on various things.
I can't say that I enjoy the 'conflicts' that have arisen in the past few weeks. I can't say that I've enjoyed hearing all kinds of stories from every end of the fence. And all the more I can't say that I'm happy to know that in all the time that so many of your own sisters have told you to contact me or Harle (moreso since she's supposed to be your mentor now) with regards to matters that bother you or concern you - you have come up with one excuse or another not to do so, or to avoid any contact whatsoever.
It stings, to know that trust is an issue when I don't think I've ever given you any reason not to trust me with things that bother you most.
I'm sorry. I can't seem to find any reason to see fault in myself, particularly since I've done my best - have tried - to be whatever my children and sisters, brothers and friends need when I can give it.
But with you, I find that I must reprimand again.
Why is it Veron, that I sometimes find your 'spirituel experiences' hard to believe? That I find myself doubting your sincerity? To believe all that you claim in your defense - particularly since various actions have done otherwise?
That thing, so long ago - actually, as I recall it has been just about a month - at Pancake House when I waltzed down there to say hello. You looked at me, saw me and acted as though I'd jusst stepped - unwanted - into a meeting of sorts. Between you and your three other friends.
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against these girls. I see nothing wrong if you wish to 'extend' your personal circle and create a coven of your own (yes, I have heard news that you wish to create your own and I do not condemn such) - but I will state it here and now: you are not ready. Not even close to it. Not with the way you carelessly treat several people. Tossing them aside like rag dolls or used up toys everytime something new and shiny gets dropped in your lap.
Veron, pasensiya nalang talaga, pero napupuno na ako minsan sa ugali mo. Hindi mo na kami pinapakinggan ng mga ate mo, hindi ka na nag-consider sa mga ginagawa mo. What is this I heard that you conducted something in the Chemistry Lab near the Barrion Hall? What is this? Hunh? There are other things and I would rather that I speak of this to you in person or over the phone.
Fuck it all to hell Veron. Ano ba ang gusto mong mangyari? Hunh? Everytime I talk to yu - everytime we move into the topic of the Craft, lagi nalang na lumalabas na it's as if you don't take enough care in the teachings and the tutorings and the advice we offer to you. When you ask it's always: But A-te...! every single goddamned time! Fuck! Do you even LISTEN to me?
Someone expressed concern that you seem skeptical about other's knowledge. As if you're waiting for the rest of us to tell you the wrong thing and slip up and make that mistake. Takte! DON'T YOU DARE become a smart alec on ANY of us - and there are quite a few.
Tapos you lose my respect in the way you treat Alessa. For crying out loud girl! Kung ayaw mo na best friend mo yung bata don't lead her on as if it's nothing. Which it IS.
She deserves so much more than your callous treatment. She deserves more than settling for mediocre with the likes of you. YES. Mediocre. I'm sorry, but that is what I think of you now, and it is not a thing that I appreciate having to say - especially since it's bound to send criticism in my direction. But it's the only word that comes to mind now Veron.
Langya your name is EDEN. That is supposed to meas paradise! But you? Paradise? Don't kid me. Baka kabagin ako.
Goddess. I don't want this anymore. I don't think I can take anymore with regards to your deteriorating attitude. you remind me a little TOO MUCH of all the other people who've hurt me in the past. The people who listen to themselves talking SO MUCH that they forget there are others in the room. You don't even listen Veron. You DON'T. And you don't talk of anything other than things that - I am sorry - but they come off a little too trivial every now and then.
It's nice to have a good time with friends. But if you can't manage to speak out when something's important. When you can't be honest and go thru the muck yourself. Well then. That isn't exactly the friendship that stays valued for long.
I don't know what else to say at this point. You're going through a pretty tough stage. And it breaks my heart to see nothing but pain come your way.
I've taken to calling you 'angel' because in some ways, you are like that. Sometimes even, to a fault.
I know that there are many unresolved issues. As I recall, there was one night that I sort of reprimanded you for certain attitudes. Certain things that I never knew about myself until I had to face them back in High School.
Trust is an important thing Cheska. But to be too trusting isn't right. And that's what you are right now. You openly express your distress - which, I do not discourage... but it seems as though you keep on going back to the thing that hurts you again and again and you can't - you don't want to, stop doing so.
Langya. If I were in your place - with all the distress that Veron gives you, I'd walk right this instant. But I'm not in your spot. At least, not anymore. But I was, a few years back. And it's a struggle, day by day to find worth in myself.
Funny. Most teenagers go through this and nobody seems to bother to help them through it anymore.
I don't know or understand why you cling to her the way you do. Even after all the heartache she gives you. And I don't understand why you believe that she is the end-all and be-all of your world.
Because to put it simply: She isn't.
The insecurities you feel - particularly that she values other people more than she values you, her presupposed best friend, or that you're never going to be good enough - these insecurities cannot be solved by anyone else in the world save for yourself.
A little message that applies to everyone else: If someone hurts you, cry, brood, feel it in that moment. Because that is the most basic reminder that we are still human, afterall. But after that, try to look for the things that make you feel better - and remember that no one can make you ove yourself any more than you can.
Learn to love yourself Lessa. Learn that there are things that you deserve, and some things that you don't.
You're far better and far stronger than you believe yourself to be. Ask me why I say that and I'll reply saying that because I've had to realize that for myself. And, let me tell you, it's been one hell of a rollercoaster down the truth lane.
I have other things to say but I've not the time. Have to go.
To my darlings: Harle, Mai, Sis, D and Kai - I wish you all the best. I'm right here lang, a call or email away, should you need me.
To my boys: Marc, Flip, Kuya, Mac, EJ, Cy and Doggie. I wish you all the best as well and hope that one of these days pwede tayong magkita lahat. *salutes* Muah mga pre!
To my kids:
Marty - hang in there. Andito lang si Mommy.
Alessa - I told you I'd be here. Write me that letter ASAP, k? I'll do my best.
Hope - mrf... Mai gave me your umbrella... let's meet up one time at your cave and I'll give it back and we'll talk.
Karen (Nenloth) - dadaan me ng SSC this term more often kasi mag-co-consult ako kay Mrs. Isid.
Bernie - ^^ Miss you din! Take care! Greet your sister for me.
melina @ 11:23:00 PM )O(
Monday, September 01, 2003
No class. Finally can breathe.
Training's been something of a killer. Looks like the drafting's goin' to be sometime September and I hope that I get in. Nothing left to do but to cross my fingers, kill m'self during practices and do my best. *sighs* I want this guys. Goddess knows I want it so much.
School, on the other hand is back come the tenth of September. Which means that I'm extending a roll-call to the whole Wednesday Gang. And I do mean all. I miss you all and I wish I could get a hug from each and every one of you.
EJ-chan: Dani and I saw the Hilary Duff music vid today and D laughed out loud saying that I should watch the movie and see for m'self what you and Maia meant about her. ^^ Heheheh... quoting from D: 'Well, at least now you know how you'd look blonde.'
Gyeh. And then several of you boys (eh... men?) owe me updates on your life. ASIDE FROM RAGNAROK.
Goddess. Consider that I get enough of that at home.^^ Heheheh... Doggie, Mike: Ingat kayong dalawa.^^ Mishu both.
Kai: No new posts on the blog? Must be busy talaga. Anyway, take care. Hope MaDocs is treating you well.
Well, that's technically it for now. Changed my sidebar a bit. New song on the theme of the week.^^ Which can be said as theme for my month. Been fiddling with the piano again and finally finished If We Hold On Together from The Land Before Time, and am working on getting Darius' Colourblind (piano mellow version) done soon.
Nobody told me you'd feel so good /
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful /
Nobody warned me about your smile /
You're the light / you're the light /
When I close my eyes / I'm colourblind
- Darius; Colourblind
melina @ 1:48:00 AM )O(
She is a Wiccan by choice with Roman Catholic roots thanks to her parents and believes everything has a reason, and that
fate does not equal coincidence.
Hover By series
Snapshots of Silver Guitar
Noelle "Ielle" Pico
- - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - -
"I love Amy Lee from Evanescence and admire her style in singing. Her voice is heartbreaking and it just gets to you. I'm not saying I want to be her, but to be able to sing as good as she can, and as honest as she can... that's enough."
- Ielle on her singing idols.
Give Me Freedom
Coffee and Nonesense
On Butterfly Wings
ON MY BOOKSHELF:
The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle
Titania's Book of Hours - Titania Hardie
Enchanted - Titania Hardie
In the Circle - Elen Hawke
>>Note to: Doggieniichan
Songs of Sanctuary
Dances of Time
The Eternal Knot
Leean Rimes - Twisted Angel
Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk
Evanescence - Fallen
Santana - Shaman
~any album as long as it's theirs
i can't see tomorrow
dancing in the dark
dinner serenade (042103)
of roses and rain
Template was designed by Melina Dauphin and encoded by Maia D. Special thanks to Meemee for providing Maia the necessary tutorials for CSS.
The faeries by Brian Froud are scanned from my own Faerie Oracle deck. These are not my works of art, and I scanned the images only for my personal use.