Saturday, May 24, 2003
I was never a good Catholic.
Not really anyway. I tried my best. I went to Church, I listened to mass and took it in. I had my first communion when I was seven. I had my confirmation in the same chapel when I hit senior year.
Unfortunately (or, in some twisted way, fortunately), here I am now, finally choosing a path that is more suited to my ever-thinking soul. A path that asks for me to 'Speak Little, Listen Much'... especially since I've been filling my seconds with words the moment the sea swallowed up my personal little Atlantis. Maybe because I've been afraid that I wouldn't be given a chance to speak ever again.
That if I didn't say it now... there wouldn't be another moment to say it.
And you know what I realized? In all those moments, only half of what I wanted to get out was heard.
But it wasn't the fault of those around me. But neither was it mine.
melina @ 12:02:00 AM )O(
Friday, May 23, 2003
Formally breaking my hiatus.
For those who've known/heard, Ms. Annie Quintos, a member of The Company has taken me officially under her wing. This was the event that set into process one helluva week that's turned my world upside-down-inside-out in a matter of days.
I went to the doctor last Friday. I went down to St. Luke's Hospital (roughly tem minutes from my house) and sat in a chair while the good doctor stuck a fibre-optic down my throat. Hence, a very ugly view of what's gone wrong with my vocal chords.
Hence my silence - literally - for one week.
For those who can't seem to understand why the treatment was imposed on me - or why it was such a big deal that i literally had crying fits everytime I messed up - in all honestly, I was scared. And with good reason.
I never got the chance to really explain to my sisters, much less the rest of those who i've befriended, but the treatment was imposed on me for two reasons. Both incredibly important to me.
The first reason - and the one most of my darlings know by now - is because Miss Annie thinks I'm a good investment in the music biz. Considering that she does enjoy my music, she wants to see it go somewhere. Despite the fact that the industry is as lousy as it gets right here and now. Nonetheless, she wanted to teach me, see where and what we could do with my voice - how far we could both go. Or else, at the worst-case scenario, I'd have to settle for simply selling my songs.
For those who understand the person that I am. Who know and love the person that I am... you know that I would rather see my music gathering dust on the shelf than have someone else sing it.
Selfish, yes. Me-centric, you bet.
But the few who understand and choose not to judge me for it know why.
That's me you're singing. And with the fact that my music has more of me than anything else I've ever done... I tend to be a little paranoid (okay, not a little - a LOT) with how and who and when whomever will sing it.
I'm a complicated person. I'm a complex and incredibly messed up person. If you listened well and read the lyrics right... you'd see just how.
So there. Miss Annie understood... without me even saying a word. And she wants to help me along. As Harle and Maia have mentioned in their earlier blogs - demo tapes are being spoken of.
So now... Reason Number Two.
As I mentioned earlier on and in the rather - messed up blog entry roughly a week back... I was scared. I have been for quite some time now... hence the fact that ridiculous as I look writing down my replies... my needs, my messages on simple paper or on the cellphone... i did it plainly because of this:
My condition - the two calluses that had grown (quite ugly) on my vocal chords - each directly across the other... might have escalated into something more serious than how it was.
I could have lost my voice completely if it was left untreated.
So that would have meant - no talking. No laughing. No singing.
The end of my dream career, and the rest of my life incapacitated.
I didn't want to believe it. I left that hospital joking with my mom on how incredibly stupid I'd look opening my mouth like a fish. But inside, when I got home - I felt caged in. Locked up in a room. And to think I've got a mld case of claustrophobia and an imagination that's as much a curse as it is a blessing.
On the last night before my personal little nightmare started i was on the phone with Harle. I'd told her that I was scared - confessing that I wanted to go hide somewhere and pretend that I didn't have to do it.
In all honesty, I didn't have to. Not really. We hadn't bought the steroids (I had to drink one tablet per day for five days), and I was under no obligation to do so. No one was holding a gun to my head so I could've backed out anytime.
But I didn't. Because for one, it meant too much. And two, I didn't want to think about what would happen if I just let it slide.
I still remember the most memorable words of that conversation: I will go stir crazy by the third day.
A little - if not overly, melodramatic. But due, considering the jam that I was in.
And so, here I am. Day 8 and counting. Still silent, though my one week is over.
Why? - For those curious enough the explanation follows.
Quoted from my Doctor (I forget the name):
One week is actually just the minimum avaliable for a complete voice rest prescription. If i had my way she'd be off her voice for a month. It's healed... but not completely - she still has a hematoma on her right vocal chord, and that could still come back worse. i don't want to give her steroids anymore because she's already had five. But I would like to request that she stay off her voice for five more days.
So... there's the verdict. Five more days of silence and then lay-off the speaking for awhile until I get to pay a visit to the Voice Center. What's the Voice Center? The place where they look down my throat in a more in-depth way.
My Dad actually said 'if it weren't for your voice lessons, we'd have never known.'
Funny how one thing leads to another, hm? And i can only be thankful that Miss Annie was observant enough to ask for a full check-up of my voice. Funny how that came along mainly because she thought I was a good investment. That I could go somewhere with what I've made.
She said i had direction when in fact, I've had so little of that in the past year.
No - that's not completely accurate. I've been wandering around with a broken compass since freshman year in High School... perhaps even longer than that.
There are few who know what's been going on with my life lately. Few who know, understand and want to understand what exactly i keep behind my now guarded eyes. Why I haven't cried prior to my debut... why I've become surprisingly colder and slightly more distant than what was there.
Why I've in my own little way become tired of believing in the little things that thankfully, Harle still does. Why I refuse more than ever to look weak. Why everytime I take a really bad dive into the cement at hockey, I just get up and sometimes brush off the 'Ei Noe, you okay?'s that I used to grasp for when I was younger.
As Charlie said before, I don't look like the type who'd tolerate weakness. As Athens' once said: White Knights don't come knocking at your door because they think you'd be insulted.
And in their own little ways, they were right. It's only know that I can literally take time to listen to myself think that it's come completely into view.
Heh. No wonder I willingly take my penance now. I've stopped fighting.
melina @ 11:36:00 PM )O(
Thursday, May 22, 2003
I am breaking hiatus for THIS and THIS ONLY.
TO MY SISTERS:
i was supposed to be working on a song before the verdict from my doctor came in. it's corny, slightly self-advertising-type but it's the only one that came to mind:
"We're all just living in this world /
Just trying to get by /
You're not alone / You don't suffer alone /
We're all just working our way /
Through the muck and candy that's life /
Know that / Remember that / No one's an island"
- possible lyrics for No One's An Island; No Holds Barred
written by Melina Dauphin
i want to help.
goddess help me. i really do.
but you know that feeling when you want to step into the problem to pull them out of the problem to solve it? - and then they tell you to buzz off? - well, ma chères, i've been dealing with that. i was told not too long ago that i should drop my so-called 'messiah' (yes, that was the term she used) attitude and let it go.
the ever-famous 'i'll-fix-it' syndrome of noelle grace ocana pico - just drop it daw.
you know what's funny? - as i sit here, isis beside me, my only anchor at the present moment...
i wonder: if i drop my 'i'll-fix-it'... what the FUCKING HELL am i supposed to do then?
I LOVE YOU GIRLS.
and to be perfectly honest... i want to jump ten/twenty years into the future and see The Pantheon still going strong. that you girls will be my 'maids' of honor. ever-browbeating the unfortunate(?) groom into not getting cold feet. i want my kids (if i ever have any) to call you 'mommy' in the same way that they call me that. i want my mom to start calling you her daughters na rin... which... she is actually getting around to. she loves you as much as i do na nga eh... right mom?
i want to 'grow old' with you girls... maybe because for once in my goddamned-farden-filled life... i found the FOUR imaginary sisters i used to delude myself with in PREP/1st-3rd Grade.
i had a big sister. ALWAYS in a ponytail. or she'd let her hair down and just let it BE. she knew how to DRAW. she sang LIKE AN ANGEL.
i had my... twin. the one who's more... PRACTICAL than me. eheh. Isis. ikaw yon. she'd just... KNOW. when soemthing was up. when i was... eheh... heaven forbid it to be anytime soon - lying. she KNEW.
i had the one who was just a year... younger than me. my constant ball of sunshine. who kept the laughter rolling... until i couldn't stand na. Harle. tama na. heh. i BELIEVE.
and there was my baby sister.
and i swear to the goddess/god na lahat ng aaway/magpapaiyak sa batang yan - uupakan ko hanggang mapadugo.
which is the same with each and every one of you.
i am NOT KIDDING when i tell you about these figments of my imagination. perhaps it was - haha - clairvoyance on my part. or a lonely girl's wish. i GOT it. and to quote from Trinity: I AM NOT LETTING GO.
it hurts girls. strange enough, the reason for my hiatus stemmed from a feeling of disconnection from each of you. i couldn't figure out who was hurting where and when. all i knew is that someone was hurting and that they weren't talking about it.
call me ms.-know-it-all. sometimes it PAYS to understand and to speak up for once.
i wanna help. but i can only do so much.
kai... baby...sweetie... walang magawa si ate kung hindi mo sasabihin kung ano yung problema. and i don't CARE if you DON'T MAKE SENSE NOW... or to yourself. or to ANYONE ELSE. I WILL UNDERSTAND. Mel will MAKE IT BETTER. putangina, dudugo na ako dito para mapasaya ka lang. i want you to stop hurting kiddo... but you gotta let me in.
cher... wala akong pakialam kung hindi ka maka-LOTR. i LOVE harry pot-pot naman din ah! we just haven't gotten around to talking about it. i'm not that updated in anime... but i WILL watch again. and as for Wicca...? cher...no one's pushing you to go back into it. especially not after the stupid abuse that your former coven put you through. cher... i'm teaching again because i know that isis and harle want to learn... and that i think - no lightning has shot be dead pa naman - that i am RESPONSIBLE enough with this to be their guide.
take your time, diba cher? no one's telling you to go any farther than you should. no one's telling you to do things that you don't want to. i trust you. i will be with you, no matter what your decision will be. though i sincerely hope the decision is one that brings us all full circle.
marunong akong mag-adjust. hell, yeah, i've MADE-DO all my life. i've... 'adapted' all my life. kaya kong tumanggap - pagbigyan the occassional hysterical fits, yes, but i CAN. i HAVE. some people nga lang are too - hig-up-their-own-horses to see that. but i CAN/HAVE/WILL.
and in the midst of whatever personal hells i'm going through now? -that don't mean hindi ko na kayo aasikasuhin. utang na loob, gumugulo lalo mundo ko if i can't reach you.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
I'm not going anywhere.
Diba? walang iwanan.
i want to understand. how many times do i have to say that fro it to get through?
i KNOW na parang ANG HANGIN... but I DO know how to fix whatever's going on. just give me the right details. kaya ko yan. believe me when i say I'VE BEEN THERE. I'VE DONE THAT.
and kahit na i haven't - for some unfathomable reason - I DO.
so let me help.
let me make things better.
let me make your dreams... become real.
because that's what i wanna do.
because then mine would be too.
there is no greater love... than that given freely, unconditionally.
there is no harder love... than that given freely, unconditionally.
i choose that. because it's the TRUTH. because it LASTS.
i'm not leaving. i'm not jumping ship.
you know where you can reach me.
melina @ 10:06:00 AM )O(
She is a Wiccan by choice with Roman Catholic roots thanks to her parents and believes everything has a reason, and that
fate does not equal coincidence.
Hover By series
Snapshots of Silver Guitar
Noelle "Ielle" Pico
- - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - -
"I love Amy Lee from Evanescence and admire her style in singing. Her voice is heartbreaking and it just gets to you. I'm not saying I want to be her, but to be able to sing as good as she can, and as honest as she can... that's enough."
- Ielle on her singing idols.
Give Me Freedom
Coffee and Nonesense
On Butterfly Wings
ON MY BOOKSHELF:
The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle
Titania's Book of Hours - Titania Hardie
Enchanted - Titania Hardie
In the Circle - Elen Hawke
>>Note to: Doggieniichan
Songs of Sanctuary
Dances of Time
The Eternal Knot
Leean Rimes - Twisted Angel
Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk
Evanescence - Fallen
Santana - Shaman
~any album as long as it's theirs
i can't see tomorrow
dancing in the dark
dinner serenade (042103)
of roses and rain
Template was designed by Melina Dauphin and encoded by Maia D. Special thanks to Meemee for providing Maia the necessary tutorials for CSS.
The faeries by Brian Froud are scanned from my own Faerie Oracle deck. These are not my works of art, and I scanned the images only for my personal use.