Well... that's not completely accurate - I can talk... I just can't... for the next... *sighs* only six more days to go Mel... you'll be fine... just six fuxing days of absolute silence - not a frickin' sound from you - and you'll be fine.
Shit. The doctor's giving me steroids and antacid whatevers and I won't even have the time to play hockey. Actually... I won't go because... well, frankly, because I WILL end up talking and then the treatment won't work.
I guess this is my penance for being the way I am. Which is funny because I was thinking of taking a hiatus off of blogger and everything else... then this comes along. Funny how it frustrates me and annoys me i.e. when I don't have my mobile phone or a piece of paper at my side I can't express what I want to say. It sucks that I can't sing... not even hum, ot even whisper - since the doctor said that whispering only makes it worse.
So... here I am, Flip playing Foundation on his guitar beside me. I don't know if he's doing it to make me feel better... or just because he's leaving in awhile... but well. It does. To a point. I guess I'm just settling for singing in my head.
It scares me. Not being able to talk. I guess this means I get to focus on other things that'll help me connect with other people. Or with... myself, most of all.
. . .
**I will write this as if NONE of you know my URL. I think I owe myself that much for the crappy 2 1/2 weeks I've had to get by alone in.
A couple of things came 'out' in the last two nights.
Spoke with Isis after the whole thing with Ube. And well... things, hopefully will get better. Little revelations hurt... but then we're all better for it. I wanna trust in that idea. Stupid as it sounds, even to me, I guess Franco was right when he said that pain should make us better people.
Point is, pain's usually a maiming thing. And you soemtimes can't ignore when a person's hurt you.
Maybe that's why I wanna kick myself for being too bloody blunt with Maia.
But... I don't know how else to snap her out of this. I mean, it's hurts to have to 'feel' her grief. She says she's better sometimes but then again, she isn't. Bad enough that it hits me like a brick wall after I transfer my focus from hockey to everything non-hockey.
I only want her happy. Which has been my mantra for everyone lately. For my brothers, for my sisters.
Funny though, why is it that it feels that lately everyone's been asking for advice here and there and I give it it's wrong anyway - or that they take it the wrong way?
Interesting that now when I can't talk - am not allowed to, I can't even convey the littlest and simplest of things to my mom or even to Flip. I have to rely on my mobile phone - which at some point I had to do without because it needed charging, or Notepad... or the basic pen and paper.
Still - it's frustrating because I can't get it through the way I want it to. And it's pretty equivalent to how several people have been acting.
I don't want to bitch. I deliberated on whether or not to write this all down for the past few nights. I've asked Isis and Harle - mostly because they're the ones within phone-reaching distance that doesn't require extra payment to BayanTel. And also since I can't exactly call Doggieniichan or Mike... or Mac who is still ever absent (a firewall in his Dubai internet connection won't allow him to blog).
But I guess I need another dose of honesty - I only hate that it's in the direction of people who I care deeply about.
Mai mentioned something in her email to me: I have a good idea, Noey. How about let's pretend that I already feel bad enough about this and you don't need to rub it in?
Goddess. Did I? Because honestly? I was only trying what I could to help. It's not as if I wanted to blow up via SMS... but the day had been rotten in itself. The whole frickin' week had been rotten in itself and I know she wanted me to give her advice and help point is, I realized that it's completly pointless when she isn't ready to listen to what I have to say.
I'm no (as Athens' put it ever so bluntly a few months back) 'yes-ma'am' person. I don't bullshit my friends even if I know they hurt. Maybe I've lost all sense of outer compassion in the past two weeks... maybe I'm ready to head for part 2 of the cut-chort nervous breakdown I had the morning of Wednesday. Maybe it's because part of me is sick and tired of lying to myself that I can do this and I can handle this.
I can't. Goddess knows I've tried these past two days to push the happy button. It just doesn't fucking work. And I don't need people (like my, I'm-never-wrong Ex) telling me that I can change it. Sometimes - you just can't. you want to, but you just can't. Because you're tired of having to 'be' happy because they think you should be. Because you have every right to be - i'ts not as if you lack for anything. It fucking sucks to hear people telling me that. That I shouldn't want for anything since I've got a lot already as it is.
To quote Athens from her dark blog: Fuck you. Fat lot you know.
And so here comes the long-awaited rant. I'm not going to bother and put it on Beauty.be.Damned because I don't want to split this personality with that.
Y'know... y'see it goes this way: I can't help but feel as if with Mai, I've got the things she needs to hear - but well, it was a blow to me when Reiner so coincidentally mentioned these words at hockey practice: No matter how many people take you in to teach you, to help you - it all comes down to you. Whether you wanna do something about it or not.
So right now. Not only with Mai, but with the rest of my friends I'm going to quit trying to answer questions that need answers when they refuse to listen. Even with some of my kids (save perhaps for Hope and Nenloth lately) I can't do things right. I know I make sense but then they always have to say 'but ate...' and then I don't know what the hell I was talking for anyway.
Flip wants help and maybe now he and I are getting somewhere. Remotely. But at least we're working on it. He wants me to tutor him... so I'm making out a module for him to read through.
Here's a dream that came to me one time while falling asleep in the car:
. . .
"You only have one chance. So aim carefully. The arrow will hit it's mark, but you should be absolutely, without a doubt sure as to where you wish it to fall." Saggitarius spoke, his eyes serious as he looked down upon Fire, relinquishing to her his bow and one arrow. Just one. Hence the warning.
The same words would be spoken again to her when Scorpio bestowed his gift. His spear. It can only be thrown once. Then it must be forgotten. The poison will do it's work and death will come to that which it's tip pierces.
The image pans out to Akasha, just a few feet away from Fire, Libra approaching with a wooden bowl. "Within this bowl floats emotions symbolized by the water which one of your sistes stand for. Within it is a gift from the earth - a matchstick. you are the compass of the Four. You, the bringer of the life which resides in each element. You, the soul, the seeker. The empath. The way. Balance this, Child of the Spirit. hold the bowl in such a way that the match evens out and can be the compass it was meant to be."
"Mel!" Akasha turns to me and all I can say - a voice within my mind is: I'm right here, honey. Right here. You can do this. It's like the bike. Behind her, Fire is split in two - perhaps because in the waking world Fire is born under the star sign Gemini allowing her to be in two places at once. Fire approaches her and rests both hands on her shoulders while the other half - what I can only assume as the darker half stands still as a sentry, the bow and arrow in her hands as the spear is fastened to her back.
My eyes are drawn to Aries - who approaches, a wooden case made in the shape of what would seem to be a coffee tumbler in his hands. the engravings are intricate, Runes perhaps, but I cannot tell. "You know what must be done. It will be hard - for both of you. But you know this. The rest is up to her." I take the case in my hands and walk forward to Earth, her back turned to me as she stands upon the soft bed of earth where this tale takes place.
Recieve it, cher. Please. This is all that I can do for now.
The task is that she recieves this gift to her from behind... and brings it to her front without the shortcuts. She must, without letting go of the wooden case, pass it over her head, as if in understanding of words given.
Not an easy task. For it will be for naught if she passes it at her sides. Recieve from behind. That is what Aries spoke to me in my mind. She must recieve from behind and pass it over her head without letting the case go. It will be hard - and difficult and painful. For human arms, unless incredibly flexible cannot move in such a way.
The image then pans yet again to Fire (her softer side) who walks to approach one sitting on a chair before a mirror tilted to 45 degrees. To sit before a mirror tilted this way, one cannot see one's reflection. It is air who grieves. Dressed in all black, a long translucent veil covering her face she weeps inwardly, unable to make the tears come.
Fire steps behind her and removes the veil, and proceeds to tilting the mirror upright. Fixing it so that Air may see herself.
The tears come this time, and Fire gives comfort and warmth to Air's cold handsclasped tight in a a position of desperate prayer. Fire's hands are folded in prayer over these... peace. A position of peace.
As this happens, Earth has managed to pass the case over her head, and removes the contents - 6 fresh red rose petals, and the ashes of six others. These she plants onto the bare earth where she kneels and waits.
Time passes. I don't know how long we've stood. But Air has stopped her weeping and is now ready to remove the clothes meant for grieving. Akasha now strives to keep the matchstick afloat and level. And Earth parts the soil to reveal a lone green, healthy leaf, peeking out from all the brown.
The leaf fattens into what seems to be a bulb, and this blooms into a bright and beautiful red rose which she plucks carefully fro the ground to return to me.
I hang my head and cup my palms to recieve a gift that must come full circle. Accept this for understanding has now come. I think and feel the velvety petals brush briefly on my skin. The rose is cool, dew sparkling faintly on it's petals. And Earth cups my hands in her own and flattens them, the rose within.
"And so I aim." Fire's voice is firm as she appears so sudden at my side, the bow in hand, the arrow guided by her right hand.
I want to speak, to protest for it is in Earth's face she aims the tip. But as I turn my eyes to a face I cannot see, I note that the hands are no longer the hands of my sister. But of a man.
. . .
I want to scream. I want to shout. I want to get mad - but most of all, I just want to be heard.
I have, for the past two weeks been dealing with things as well. And just because I choose to put you guys first, because I know in helping the people I care about, my own problems will eventually make some remnant of sense - it flat, plain SUCKS that here I am, waiting for a comforting word, somethig out of the blue - something that tells me you guys at some point - mo matter how briefly remembered that I need your support as well.
Evidently, I wait for nothing. Evidently I speak for nothing.
The next few days are, I know already, going to be absolute hell for me. I will be incapacitated for even the littlest things. I already want to cry because my Dad thinks it's stupid. I can talk but I won't? I've already slipped up twice and I can only hope that it won't be too difficult to fix.
The littlest things here in the house - such as feeling and fucking remembering that when they (my family) calls for me I can't answer - I can't call for help. That I will have to go to DLSU on Wednesday worrying that people will look at me funny because I can't talk.
It's shitty. It's SO FUCKED-UP. And I want to cry.
It would be easier for me to just talk anyway despite the fact that it WILL make it worse. I could postpone this thing - this trial that will guarantee some movement in my voice lessons - in my *crosses fingers* impending carreer (I WISH). But I can't do this alone!!!
GODDAMNIT ALL TO HELL!!! Bwisit naman eh! This is precisely what's been eating away at me for weeks now. This is what has been plagueing my mind. What's been giving me heartache and whole lot of crap.
But you know something? It's not as if anyone notices unless I have to bring it up.
Just as Reiner was asking us to speak up in hockey about our needs, I will say so now.
I almost cried last night. I told Harle that by the third day I knew na I'd be going out of my mind. Today palang, and HIRAP na - what more for the next SIX - SIX days?!
Thank the Goddess for Marty. Who's actually asking the bloody details on WHY I can only reply to her on text.
I can't communicate. I'm not even allowed to laugh. We're trying to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to cough without making a sound or allowing the air to pass through my throat. Because the callus(?) that's stuck there is only getting worse.
I got sick sometime last year and my voice didn't come back right. Now I have to sacrifice the last week of my hockey training because I won't be able to play right and I might ruin the medication in the process. I might slip up - hell - I'm bound to because it's something that you have to remind yourself every fucking second NOT TO DO.
Don't talk. Don't make a sound. Rest it.
This is my present penance. This is what I have to go through for the next week.
This is what I've been going through for the past - of - I dunno - MONTHS with everyone.
. . .
Now I know how my Lolo feels. Frustration. Annoyance. Anger. Fear.
How the hell am I supposed to call for help if I'm left alone in the house?! Thank the Goddess for cellphones. I can ring my Mom and it's an understanding that I need her.
I'm scared, okay?
Because this is precisely the personification of what it's been like for the past - oh, I don't know - seven? Eight? Nine? Ten? Eleven? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE years of my life?!
[added after breaking down to Mom]
I made another sound. I replied to Dad. He isn't even helping. Don't ask a question to me - I'm fucking bound to reply.
Shit. I can't finish this entry now. I need to go rest. Take another long bath. Do something ELSE besides this. Not as if I can say what I have to say to Mai, Ekai, Harle, Isis now anyway.
Bloody hell.
I'm going on hiatus.
For those na may pakialam, who cares to know, you know my number - if you don't. You know someone who does.
I had a blast yesterday at hockey practice - I guess it's more of the fact that I wasn't as kulelat with my recieving that I played well. Heheheh... Coach and a couple of others gave me thumbs up, and the whole thing was faster and better in the sense that we didn't really lag when the puck hit the sides.
Funny incidents included the part when I went after the puck vs. Noel (from the opposing squad) and Aids decided to knock him into the bushes... who was then knocked by Reiner (my coach) into the bushes as well.
Got teased as well (mymy... my pur little tush^^) to Aids again - what else is new? I mean yeah, sure, I still kinda got this mini-of-a-crush on him... doesn't mean it's going anywhere. Heheheh... he's a good friend. I admire him for his musical abilities and his hockey skills. Besides, he was always so nice to me.
Which reminds me... I miss my Brother Bear. I wish i could text him to find out whether or not he's back in Manila... but the thing is - if I do text him and he's still in Canada... eh... I lose roughly P15 off of my SMS... and I don't think I'm ready for that. Eheheh...
. . .
Anyway... to more serious things... and to the title of my entry.
**Please hover over the names. And don't hover if it's not Yours.
Athens... I need... well, your help. Can you email me the answer to your little pop-out?
Spoke to Isis last night until Dad kicked me off the phone at 12:15 and into bed. As if I'd sleep that early, eh?
Interesting topics considering that she and someone semi-talked over SMS. I will leave the topic out for now... I'm still trying to process/evaluate and stomach it.
I guess the landslide did bring everything down.
Flat, plain, simple. I feel rotten. In every sense of the word.
Sent Harle an SMS last night because I needed to "connect", or rather, not feel so 'disconnected" as I've been saying in my past entries. I felt, as I said, rotten, and incapable of thinking straight. Even when I downed one glass (one, so nobody get mad) in a feeble celebration of yesterday's accomplishments, I felt as though I was careening towards another fit.
Fits that... I have deprived myself because of outside things.
I cried last night. I cried one long one before I managed to limply fall asleep. I think I ended roughly 2:30 before I ended up staring blankly at the ceiling.
It hurt inside... but not enough for it to be good for me.
You know when you cry and your chest tightens and your heart feels like it's gonna burst? I used to have that... and I guess everyone has that still. I read soemwhere that it helps when you feel the pain inside because you then want to stop because you want to breathe. Because you feel alive again and you want to stop crying.
I don't have that anymore.
Crazy as it sounds - I wish I could feel that ache. Maybe then the other ache wouldn't hurt so much in the sense that it doesn't(?).
I know... I'm not coherent anymore. Maybe it's because I yelled inwardly to the Higher Powers that I didn't want the pain anymore. That I just wanted the numbness to go away and leave me alone. Maybe then I could go back to leading my life. The life I carefully took care of before the fiasco that was my debut night.
Face the music, Melina. One look at the bloody sod and every-fucking-memory-emotion-feeling-hurt came rushing back like a bloody tsunami. And you still want to try it all again?
Masochistic as it sounds... I guess yeah.
Maybe it's the thing about second chances. Maybe it's the fact that my 'I'll-fix-it" way of life is just itching to work it's supposed magic(k?) on what Athens tells me is my 'Ice-man' complex. No... she doesn't mean the cutie from X2... what she means is that I want to 'melt-the-cold-heart'.
I guess I am a bloody sucker for romances.
Shit.
Romance novels and Feel-Good movies should be banned from my life - forever. They have the tendency to make me want to believe that anything is possible if you believe in love (so now I sound like Christian from Moulin Rouge?) and that one way or the other, to quote Harle, 'things will work out in the end'.
Point is... they never do. Well... not well enough, I guess.
Dammit!Potik naman talaga oh! Masaya na nga ako eh! MASAYA NA AKO! Can't he bloody GET THAT?! I'm H A P P Y. I have everything I could ever need with me right now. I have my darling sisters, my wonderful brothers (6 and counting), I've got the privilege to know tons of amazing people not only in real life, but in the internet world as well, I have my faith (yes, even if it's a little shaky now, I know in my heart that the Goddess will help me through this...), I have my music, I have hockey - both of which are incredibly fulfilling. I have my writing, my kids. MY LIFE.
He told me to live my own life... before I go ahead and help others.
I am. Because, in it's own way - people are my life because they're part of it.
I can't help but want to help because it's wonderful knowing you did something to help someone out... no matter if it's small. No matter that there are no thank yous, no recognitions, that they sometimes take it completely for granted.
It's okay. It doesn't matter. As long as I know that the people I care about are happy. Because in helping them figure out what the heck they're doing - in helping them get by, which is as human as people can get in this really fucked-up world. I know I learn something. I don't get much thrill or happiness in material gain or recognition... I get it in knowing that I learn something from these kids... these people.
I don't blind myself to their flaws... in fact i study their weaknesses, their flaws in hopes that I could help point it out one day.
I told Harle one time what I figured were the weaknesses of the people I knew... and she asid she was wondering if the day would come that I'd use her weakness against her. Against all the people I care about.
Know what I told her? I'd never use it against you, or anyone else. Why? I never really explained. I didn't know how... and last night, in the midst of tears, incoherent ramblings and sobs, I told Isis: People have flaws, imperfections. They can't always get things right. And you shouldn't take it against them, you should understand it in the sense that it is, what IS.
You shouldn't - but people do, anyway - take it against a person that she's a little whiny sometimes, that she has low self-esteem, or that he knows a lot and just speaks his mind about it, or that she's got the seemingly perfect life, that she gets all the guys, or that she's hurting inside and just trying her best to figure out what she wants... or that she feels useless and disconnected from everyone who cares, or that she just wants to be affirmed and loved, that he's confused and stuck in a rut and doesn't know what he wants, or that he can't figure out why he can never get the girl, or why he's alone at his house figuring out why romance hasn't come knocking at his door, or why she's so happy all the time that sometimes it's a way to keep away the shadows... or maybe she just wants attention... or that's she's jealous... and that he wants to love her but is worried that it might end up a shallow thing...
Okay. I just stepped out of line with those words. All of them. But it's the truth. And as much as honestly's a frickin' a-hole in the day-to-day run of things, it has to eventually come out.
I got my own dose of honesty last night. Indirect, naturally, as if the person would ever say it straight to my face considering that he hates the sight me crying or hurting. Not because he doesn't want to see me hurting, but more of the fact that he can't stand tears. And he won't. Ever.
What hurts is that I broke my own promise to myself (I have said this, what? Ten times?) - the promise I made to myself in 2nd year. The promise that I would NEVER compromise or change myself for the benefit of another. No matter how muchy they mean to me.
In the words of Isis: You adjusted so much for him... did he ever change the slightes bit for you?
Evidently not. Not would he ever. Not will he ever.
He feels justified, and I guess I gave him cause.
Throw it all... he was my first boyfriend for cryin' out loud. Not that he believes that... or maybe it's because he knows about something I dared share to my mom only lately. Maybe he thinks it was the same thing - hell... it wasn't.
It's not as if I knew him enough to know what he wanted from me (aside from hugs and kisses and the liberties of bf-gf...), it's not as if I could predict what was wrong.
I am not a fucking mid-reader. Even now... even if something ties me and my sisters on a higher level that I can sometimes get what they feel even from the distance that I am... I'm not. I'm not perfect. Though sometimes I wish I was. Why? Because maybe then I'd be enough for anyone... for soemone. Enough that they don't walk out on me.
Maybe thats why my test is hidden from me. Maybe that's why I still can't seem to get/understand/apply in my own life the words that come out on this blog, in my letters, in the advice and bonding sessions I give to the people who I think need me to be there for them.
Hell. I might have a little edge right now with "them" allowing me the insight to advise the rest of you...
It don't mean I've got it figured out as well.
. . .
I was reading the printed copies of my blog so generously supplied to me by my mother, and it was funny because when I was reading through them, I ended up thinking - wow, this is a girl who's got everything all figured out. she knows what she wants, is happy - well, content and happy - with the life that she leads... no wonder people must love her. no wonder she probably has people wishing they were... special to her.
But that's before I mildly remember that it's my life... and that things aren't that way.
I don't exactly have men waiting in the wings. I don't have affirmations that I'm beautiful or wonderful...
Heh.
Makes me think of Willow in the Buffy ep I watched last Monday.
Willow who was picked on in Jr.High, and High School, and College... Willow who was nothing... The only time I felt that I meant something was when Tara would lok at me and see me as wonderful...
Not that I'm saying that I wrapped my world around him, heaven forbid people and most especially him think that he was the end-all and be-all of my life.
Excuse me... he was one in the rather... *cough* looooooooooong list of people who've walked out the proverbial door.
He shouldn't matter as much.
Funny though... I almost believe that myself.
. . .
There's this song in Avril's album... figured I dedicated it to him a long time ago. But now that I think of it... it isn't only for those who I've known romantically... but for my friends as well. Just adjust the words. The gist is what I mostly mean.
Things I'll Never Say
I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head
[Pre-Chorus]
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah
[Chorus]
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care
[Pre-Chorus]
[Chorus]
What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say
[Pre-Chorus]
Guess I’m wishing my life away with these things I’ll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
These things I’ll never say
. . .
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous / Trying to be so perfect / Cause I know you’re worth it / You’re worth it / Yeah
Sis... the change... in it's own twisted way was worth it... the pain, sis, no matter how rotten I feel right now... it was worth it. And yeah, I'd go through it all again if things were different now.
Because I know better now. And knowing better means that you're likely not to make the same mistakes again.
Because this time around - I won't adjust... well, not too much. Because this time around, I'll try to be better. Not perfect. But better.
. . .
I know why I love Crazy/Beautiful so much.
It's because I kinda see a little bit of myself in Nicole... and though I know Carlos isn't a White Knight (a man with that much sex appeal?!)... he's a Battered Knight with enough compassion and understanding to know that what Nicole needs is understanding, and someone who won't leave.
I hate senti-trips. I hate dreaming of things I shouldn't dream of. I hate being stuck in another one of my insomnia trips and not being able to think coherently because most of me was spent fixing something for tomorrow... er... today actually. Mental note for the week: I did this because it WILL be worth it.
So someone do me a favor and give me a hug. I need roughly eight a day to survive and so far my Mom's the only one who gives me these prescribed hugs. One a piece. Gyah. Not to be ungrateful... she's been terrific since we... stopped getting on each other's nerves.
I guess I'm just edgy. I guess I'm just... semi-pissed at the world. Again. What the hell else is new, eh? - So sue me, everything hurts, and there's a big hole in the center of my chest the size of a fuxing meteor.
Blah. On with the latest lyrics.
. . .
Forever For You Barry/Taylor/Torch/Oates
Does anyone know what love can cost
It'll take you so high then leave you lost
Is it a mystery
That runs too deep
For such a simple heart
Can anyone stop the hands of time
And put back the loving in your eyes
Though it's his name I hear when you are sleeping
I'll pretend it's mine
When they ask me how long I'm gonna love you
If the road to my heart will always stay true
I'll say forever
I'll say Forever For You
When they ask will I stand right there beside you
And they don't see you and me the way that I do
I'll say forever
I'll say Forever For You
A rose is a rose by any name
But a thorn will still cut you just the same
I'm losing your love I know
So sad the feeling
I can tell somebody's stealing
Stealing away your heart
- Repeat chorus-
I don't know if I should tell you
How you live in my heart
There's no room for another
If you leave me now
My heart would not recover
. . .
This one I heard in the car at roughly 5 pm when Mom, my Tita Winnie and I decided to pick up the reprints from Konica near BK.
I'd just finished relaying to Harle the dream I had last night. Girl, I still think I've lost it.
Half - Life Duncan Sheik
I'm awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
And it's one of those moments
When everything is so clear
Before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
To work on finding something more than this fear
It takes so much out of me to pretend
Tell me now, tell me how to make amends
Maybe, I need to see the daylight
To leave behind this half-life
Don't you see I'm breaking down
Lately, something here don't feel right
This is just a half-life
Is there really no escape?
No escape from time
Of any kind
I keep trying to understand
This thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you know
When I figure it out
But I don't mind a few mysteries
They can stay that way it's fine by me
And you are another mystery i am missing
It takes so much out of me to pretend
Maybe, I need to see the daylight
To leave behind this half-life
Don't you see I'm breaking down
Lately, something here don't feel right
This is just a half-life
Is there really no escape?
No escape from time
Of any kind
Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Again
'Cause lately something here don't feel right
This is just a half-life,
Without you I am breaking down
Wake me, let me see the daylight
Save me from this half-life
Let's you and I escape
Escape from time
Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Come on lets fall in love
Again
. . .
Funny how this song kinda echoes the dream. I will not - rather, I refuse to go into detail because some things are best kept for my sanity to remain intact. I will tell my girls though come Wednesday... Makes me wonder if I'll survive enough to reach Wednesday... Goddamn melodrama - I know. I'm having one of my infamous fits and it's 2 in the bloody morning.
Sue me.
Goddess. I try. Heaven knows I do. Heaven knows I've been taping and re-taping and re-taping yet again until all I have left of the scotch tape is the round thingy in the middle... Heaven knows that all I want is to wake up once - Dammit! ONCE! without having to worry about the dreams that come to haunt me every so often.
Can't it be over? Like the others before? Can't it just be done and over with?
Obviously, the Higher Powers prefer me learning each and every day how to live the way I do.
I mean, hey - not that I blame them. I've learned a helluva lot these past few months. And I continue to enjoy the learning. But I wish my mind and heart and soul could have a little break sometime soon. It's straining on me.
The dreams. The images.
And he says I can just change them all by thinking happier thoughts.
I could. I want to. But right now, it doesn't seem to be an available option.
I'm a symbolic dreamer for cryin' out loud! But what?! are they trying to tell me???
. . .
Just dropped by his blog - interesting things. Nothing much really... it was just great to read something that was a lot more cheerier.
Dropped by her and I can't wait to hug her this coming Wednesday. I missed her a lot. And I plan to wangle stuff out of her considering that she owes me kwento.
*pauses and breathes*
I envy Kai in that aspect. She got to go away to do some soul-searching without having to worry about the people around her.
She can actually enjoy alone time.
Which is something that I guess I have to start learning. I can't help it... I miss my kids - Nen. Hope. Eden. Alessa. - Recieving an SMS from Marty (who I have yet to make a blog for) was relieving this afternoon. Made me think of other things for a change.
Man I really need to get a grip.
And I need to sleep.
So I'll wrap up cleaning up my e-mail and get my sorry little tush to bed.
Well, according to Mike he'll try joining us for lunch... so there... Isis on the other hand is praying that she can come considering that she's talking her parents into it. House is still in shambles at her end so it's explainable.
Caught up on songs again, and somehow, Lanny's stick out. Two in particular - Hands Clean and Precious Illusions.
Flip's home... and dead tired. He's in his room with Neal and my Tita since she's watching the video of the debut.
Am going back to msn now.
. . .
Thanks very much to Athens for the wonderful banner. One thing though dear, did you have to put my name on it? ^^ You could've put A ghra. A m'hain. instead. Sicne that's the title of my site.^^
Thanks also for the quick reply. Your reaction wasn't the usual that I expected (it put a smile on my face) so... thanks. By the by, Flip and I finally touched base on a different sound level. The songs for NHB are totally unlike what I've done before.^^
Melina Noelle Dauphin is 18 years of age born on the 18th of April 1985 at 9:25 am, on the cusp of Aries and Taurus.
She is a Wiccan by choice with Roman Catholic roots thanks to her parents and believes everything has a reason, and that
fate does not equal coincidence.
She is surrently studying at De La Salle University and will be taking up Behavioral Sciences come 1st term, 2003.
Her great loves include her music, dancing, writing, reading, hockey, Tolkien, Dragonlance, the Mighty Ducks (both animated
and the non-animated), and art in general.
She is known in various names such as Mel, Lina, Mia D (Devlin?), Noelle/Noey, Noei, Nyre, Lynne, Lillie, Noele,
Nibblet...all depending on what fandom/ mood/ life/ timeframe/ universe she's in. (MPD anyone?)
She wishes she were part Irish, is desperately learning how to speak Gaelic (and Cajun) and dreams of setting foot in New Orleans
in time for Mardi Gras, or on the shores of Ireland for Midsummer's Eve.
In the absence of a REAL lovelife, Mr.Bugholds the monopoly of my heart.^^
No Holds Barred Noelle "Ielle" Pico
- - - - - - - - - - -
PHOTO UNAVAILABLE
- - - - - - - - - - -
status: vocalist/songwriter
"I love Amy Lee from Evanescence and admire her style in singing. Her voice is heartbreaking
and it just gets to you. I'm not saying I want to be her, but
to be able to sing as good as she can, and as honest as she can... that's enough."
- Ielle on her singing idols.
tracks:
Foundation
Imperfection (Guinevere)
Give Me Freedom
Coffee and Nonesense
PERSONAL COMPOSITIONS:
Covenant Broken
One Last Storm
Sleep (Never Again)
One Step Forward (Two Steps Back)
Jump Into the Ocean
Romance
Resignation (instrumental)
Lost To Me (instrumental)
Martyr (NEW)
Pray With Me (NEW)
On Butterfly Wings my earlier attempts at songwriting
Gotta Let Go
No Regrets
Were You Even There
Scents of Lavender
Fork in the Road
ON MY BOOKSHELF: Book of Spells (II) - Marian Green Between Blinks - Jim Paredes The Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice Irish Jewels - Nora Roberts Three Sisters Island - Nora Roberts
Wishlist 2003 (Christmas ed.)
BOOKS The Last Unicorn - Peter S. Beagle Titania's Book of Hours - Titania Hardie Enchanted - Titania Hardie In the Circle - Elen Hawke
>>Note to: Doggieniichan
CDs Celtic Emotions
Troika Goddess Faeries
Adeimus Songs of Sanctuary Dances of Time The Eternal Knot
i can't see tomorrow
(but with you it's okay)
the whole of the moon [celtic fayre]
one of these says [michelle branch]
breathe [michelle branch]
blame it on the weatherman [b*witched]
what can i do [the corrs]
a sorta fairytale [tori amos]
do what you have to do [sarah mclachlan]
unwell [matchbox20]
head over feet [alanis morissette]
colourblind [darius danesh]
why don't you & i [santana; alex band]
last goodbye [atomic kitten]
ielle's bracelet
swing swing [all american rejects]
teenaged dirtbag [wheatus]
going under [evanescence]
somewhere out there [our lady peace]
i think god can explain [splender]
tourniquet [evanescence]
system [qotd ost]
bring me to life [evanescence]
imaginary [evanescence]
taking over me [evanescence]
dancing in the dark
baby boy [beyonce feat. sean paul]
shake yer tailfeather [nelly feat p. diddy/murphy lee]
thoia thiong [r. kelly]
ignition [r. kelly]
smooth [santana feat. rob thomas]
soundtrack collection
final fantasy: the spirits within
lotr: the fellowship of the ring
lotr: the two towers
treasure planet
queen of the damned
vision of escaflowne
dinner serenade (042103)
harana [parokya ni edgar]
stay [lisa loeb]
small two of pieces [xenogears ost]
runaway [the corrs]
hands clean [alanis morissette]
my immortal [evanescence]
wherever you will go [the calling]
for you [the calling]
Template was designed by Melina Dauphin
and encoded by Maia D.
Special thanks to Meemee for providing Maia the
necessary tutorials for CSS.
The images on this blog are mine, taken from
my computer. The moving pentagram - I do not remember where I found, but if you made this, feel free to
email me so I can give you due credit.
The faeries by Brian Froud are scanned from my own Faerie Oracle deck. These are not my works of art, and I scanned
the images only for my personal use.
